you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
