he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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