It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
