I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize