In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Text me some of your sweat
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