Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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