ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im six kinds of drunk right now
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
