Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
