Soap is not a condiment
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
