There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize