There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm having to shit out rocks
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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