You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
