How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
