can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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