I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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