when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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