are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
