He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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