just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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