I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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