it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
