I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
