i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
