Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We had to coat check the pizza.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
