I puked a lego.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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