I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i now understand why vodka
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
