I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
