Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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