I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
