This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
