If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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