I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
