I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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