everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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