my room smells like sperm. sweet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
