I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
