I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
