M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
