So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
