My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
