You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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