I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
