Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
