a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
