How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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