Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
