No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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