You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
