I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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