ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
