On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
