my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
