my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
