this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
