I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
