Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
