I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
