Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
