I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize