sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
