turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize